Cheese Balls and Sunshine

As a child I always knew I was an outsider, even inside my own family. There are countless stories my mother would tell me that didn't feel right but weren't exactly wrong.

I maintain an attitude that even though life isn't perfect, it could always be a lot worse. So be thankful for what you've been given. I didn't get to grow up with my biological father, but my adoptive father is the best of the best. I don't have any full-blood brothers or sisters, but my half-sisters and step-sisters and -brother are all I could ask for. My maternal grandmother passed very young, and I was never close to my maternal grandfather...but my other grandparents were always nice when I came around. At least that's what I remember.

As I've gotten older, I realize that my other grandparents weren't really that nice. That my sibling/s have often left me out when recalling their childhood stories. And that my dad gets upset when my mom helps me financially (which is hardly ever).

I'll admit I get sad for a split second when I reflect, but then I remember that auntie on my mom's that introduced me to womanhood. She helped me get birth control when I was nervous to ask my mom. She bought me my first matching set of underthings. She taught me to never let anyone see my toes without polish. My other auntie has never forgotten a birthday and gives me back in money what I have sacrificed in age. Another auntie, who always makes me feel special and missed every time I see her, is so sweet--the minute I see her if feels as though we've never been apart. My great aunt drinks coffee and eats sweets with me everytime I visit. We used to sneak to the coffeehouse to smoke cigarettes, drink our lattes, and read whatever novels we could get our hands on. My uncles are elusive, but always fun. And my mother? She really tops the cake. Teen mother who had been orphaned at the age of 14. I learned my work ethic and morals from her. We have become great friends since I've hit adulthood. Becoming a mother is the only way to completely understand motherhood. And I now appreciate her a million times over.

To this day, I often appreciate my outsider status. It's where I feel most comfortable. I think I'll stay here awhile longer, and when I emerge again I will be bright and glowing and absolutely radiant.

don't get tricked

one of many that i started but never finished:

"To my ladies

Who truly love life and revel in the blessings that lay before them

The women who recognize that a billion lies will never buy lasting freedom

Who keep their ears open instead of their legs,

We’re unclear merely because we smear our image

And we fear looking too closely that we might see exactly what we look for.

Please don’t mishear my words.

My dear sisters,

don’t get tricked."

scrub-a-dub-dub (on my soapbox)

for everyone insinuating that sandra bullock is racist....................

and for everyone judging her on the blind side...........................

watch the movie. it's not as bad as the previews make it out to be. it's based on a true story. this really happened. don't be so afraid to admit that we can use some help sometimes. even if it is by a "white" person. guaranteed that each and everyone of you would take the help of white folks, if offered. think about it.....if you've ever received a federal grant, financed a car, sought a recording contract, took a tax break--then you've accepted this help that you so hate to admit we sometimes need.

speaking of sides that are blind, love makes you do really crazy things. love makes you blind sometimes. maaaaaaybe sandra's lover covered up his neo-nazi-isms enough for her not to notice. and maayyyyyyybe she was feeling him so much that she didn't do enough of her homework about him. i mean, there are STILL things i learn about my husband that i didn't know before i married him.

not long ago, i found myself questioning a group of white folks in north carolina that all decided to start adopting african children. although i knew it was with good intent, i kept wondering things like "how will the psyche of these black children be affected by being raised in white communities?" but really i should be wondering if it's better for the same children to grow up in a community/family that cannot feed, clothe, or educate them.

i guess i say all of this to say, we CAN put our egos and pride aside and accept help.

as far as sandra's marriage is concerned, we all make mistakes. he has obviously made huge mistakes. and she made a mistake as well. but to judge her character based on the fiasco at hand, is just cruel and unnecessary.

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." ~Alice Walker

I'm baaaaack!!! For many months I didn't write because I couldn't write truthfully with the intentions of not hurting someone I thought close to me. But now, after shaking the dice and rethrowing, we're all the same people from different angles. Now some that were turned up are now turned away. With that, I have an entirely new perspective. Still though, I will write like I always have.

Good to be back!

my electric fence, part deux

i once wrote about the cycles of life pertaining to friendship.

this is the addendum. because just when i thought i would have to completely revamp my list, i have been both reinforced and proven wrong.

see, i do a lot of research. when i became a mom, one piece of research told me that i need to find other mom friends and ditch the others. but really all one has to do is be open-minded and considerate of the other's place in life. if i'm a mom (which i am), i encourage and respect the lifestyles of my single friends. and vice versa.

but really the person who taught me this lesson, is the person whose friendship i thought i had lost. the person who will always be able to make me laugh. the person to whom i have always been telepathically connected. the person who also moved across the country to start a new life. SHE showed me, through her own actions, to be happy for those you love and always celebrate them. despite your own positioning in life.

but while i have regained, i have also lost. i have lost due to the same exact reason i gained. if one can never look past her own situation in life and rejoice with those around her, she may never be content with herself.

i realize that it's not only my electric fence that governs my friendships, but theirs as well. keeping the fence powered will keep one feeling isolated. but shutting that sucker off to live? that just may be the answer.

Good Morning, Sunshine!!

I haven't been the first one out of bed in my household for weeks. But today I'm up at 10:45am. No alarm. No dentist appointment.

"Awww, what's the joyous occasion?" you may ask.

Oh boy....I WISH it were a "joyous occasion" for my first major early-morning experience.

Instead, it was a nightmare that went something like this:

I am still living in LA but in a house that is identical to my grandma and grandpa's house in South Dakota. My entire family was over playing Nerts (happy face!!), when there's a knock at the door. It's an old friend, who for the sake of confidentiality we'll call Suzie and who in real life I'm not on speaking terms with. She had on a fall jacket, several suitcases in tow, and a certain stench about her that suggested she wasn't clean. And not in a she-needs-a-shower kind of clean, if you know what I mean. Immediately she starts mumbling stories about shopping trips and reasons how she ended up on my front stoop. Her last words, "....so can I crash here for a couple of weeks?"

pause

The words that escaped my mouth were an automatic sensory response and as soon as they left my lips I wanted them back, "Of couse, Suzie."

I asked how she got to my house from the airport, and she fumbled over some words that sounded like this, "I came to see my friend Tanya and we stopped the gas station, the one that is like the SuperAmerica back home, and Tanya had some things to do."

We went to the basement where my cousin Eric was. We all sat and talked for awhile, but Suzie could barely keep her head up. She popped up suddenly mid-conversation, ran over to where the stairs start, and knocked on the wall thinking it's the entrance to the bathroom. We all automatically started laughing (because it was funny lol), but then Suzie slumped to the floor. Her was hair covering her face, and the muscles in her arms and hands were cramped up making her limbs look deformed and her skin tone was turning blue.

I ran upstairs to find a phone, borderline panic. Should I call her mom or 911???

When I circled back through the kitchen in pursuit, Suzie had made it upstairs and was drinking water from the spout of the kitchen sink. Interrupting the person who was brushing his teeth. I stand there looking from her to him and back. He has a mouthful of foaming toothe paste, toothe brush in hand. Her head is buried in the sink. All I see is her hair.

Writer's blocK

1. Too much to write.

2. Too little to write.

3. Computer's too moody to remain functional.

4. Not sure if I want my readers to know my thoughts anymore.

THE END