Cheese Balls and Sunshine

As a child I always knew I was an outsider, even inside my own family. There are countless stories my mother would tell me that didn't feel right but weren't exactly wrong.

I maintain an attitude that even though life isn't perfect, it could always be a lot worse. So be thankful for what you've been given. I didn't get to grow up with my biological father, but my adoptive father is the best of the best. I don't have any full-blood brothers or sisters, but my half-sisters and step-sisters and -brother are all I could ask for. My maternal grandmother passed very young, and I was never close to my maternal grandfather...but my other grandparents were always nice when I came around. At least that's what I remember.

As I've gotten older, I realize that my other grandparents weren't really that nice. That my sibling/s have often left me out when recalling their childhood stories. And that my dad gets upset when my mom helps me financially (which is hardly ever).

I'll admit I get sad for a split second when I reflect, but then I remember that auntie on my mom's that introduced me to womanhood. She helped me get birth control when I was nervous to ask my mom. She bought me my first matching set of underthings. She taught me to never let anyone see my toes without polish. My other auntie has never forgotten a birthday and gives me back in money what I have sacrificed in age. Another auntie, who always makes me feel special and missed every time I see her, is so sweet--the minute I see her if feels as though we've never been apart. My great aunt drinks coffee and eats sweets with me everytime I visit. We used to sneak to the coffeehouse to smoke cigarettes, drink our lattes, and read whatever novels we could get our hands on. My uncles are elusive, but always fun. And my mother? She really tops the cake. Teen mother who had been orphaned at the age of 14. I learned my work ethic and morals from her. We have become great friends since I've hit adulthood. Becoming a mother is the only way to completely understand motherhood. And I now appreciate her a million times over.

To this day, I often appreciate my outsider status. It's where I feel most comfortable. I think I'll stay here awhile longer, and when I emerge again I will be bright and glowing and absolutely radiant.

don't get tricked

one of many that i started but never finished:

"To my ladies

Who truly love life and revel in the blessings that lay before them

The women who recognize that a billion lies will never buy lasting freedom

Who keep their ears open instead of their legs,

We’re unclear merely because we smear our image

And we fear looking too closely that we might see exactly what we look for.

Please don’t mishear my words.

My dear sisters,

don’t get tricked."

scrub-a-dub-dub (on my soapbox)

for everyone insinuating that sandra bullock is racist....................

and for everyone judging her on the blind side...........................

watch the movie. it's not as bad as the previews make it out to be. it's based on a true story. this really happened. don't be so afraid to admit that we can use some help sometimes. even if it is by a "white" person. guaranteed that each and everyone of you would take the help of white folks, if offered. think about it.....if you've ever received a federal grant, financed a car, sought a recording contract, took a tax break--then you've accepted this help that you so hate to admit we sometimes need.

speaking of sides that are blind, love makes you do really crazy things. love makes you blind sometimes. maaaaaaybe sandra's lover covered up his neo-nazi-isms enough for her not to notice. and maayyyyyyybe she was feeling him so much that she didn't do enough of her homework about him. i mean, there are STILL things i learn about my husband that i didn't know before i married him.

not long ago, i found myself questioning a group of white folks in north carolina that all decided to start adopting african children. although i knew it was with good intent, i kept wondering things like "how will the psyche of these black children be affected by being raised in white communities?" but really i should be wondering if it's better for the same children to grow up in a community/family that cannot feed, clothe, or educate them.

i guess i say all of this to say, we CAN put our egos and pride aside and accept help.

as far as sandra's marriage is concerned, we all make mistakes. he has obviously made huge mistakes. and she made a mistake as well. but to judge her character based on the fiasco at hand, is just cruel and unnecessary.

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." ~Alice Walker

I'm baaaaack!!! For many months I didn't write because I couldn't write truthfully with the intentions of not hurting someone I thought close to me. But now, after shaking the dice and rethrowing, we're all the same people from different angles. Now some that were turned up are now turned away. With that, I have an entirely new perspective. Still though, I will write like I always have.

Good to be back!

my electric fence, part deux

i once wrote about the cycles of life pertaining to friendship.

this is the addendum. because just when i thought i would have to completely revamp my list, i have been both reinforced and proven wrong.

see, i do a lot of research. when i became a mom, one piece of research told me that i need to find other mom friends and ditch the others. but really all one has to do is be open-minded and considerate of the other's place in life. if i'm a mom (which i am), i encourage and respect the lifestyles of my single friends. and vice versa.

but really the person who taught me this lesson, is the person whose friendship i thought i had lost. the person who will always be able to make me laugh. the person to whom i have always been telepathically connected. the person who also moved across the country to start a new life. SHE showed me, through her own actions, to be happy for those you love and always celebrate them. despite your own positioning in life.

but while i have regained, i have also lost. i have lost due to the same exact reason i gained. if one can never look past her own situation in life and rejoice with those around her, she may never be content with herself.

i realize that it's not only my electric fence that governs my friendships, but theirs as well. keeping the fence powered will keep one feeling isolated. but shutting that sucker off to live? that just may be the answer.

Good Morning, Sunshine!!

I haven't been the first one out of bed in my household for weeks. But today I'm up at 10:45am. No alarm. No dentist appointment.

"Awww, what's the joyous occasion?" you may ask.

Oh boy....I WISH it were a "joyous occasion" for my first major early-morning experience.

Instead, it was a nightmare that went something like this:

I am still living in LA but in a house that is identical to my grandma and grandpa's house in South Dakota. My entire family was over playing Nerts (happy face!!), when there's a knock at the door. It's an old friend, who for the sake of confidentiality we'll call Suzie and who in real life I'm not on speaking terms with. She had on a fall jacket, several suitcases in tow, and a certain stench about her that suggested she wasn't clean. And not in a she-needs-a-shower kind of clean, if you know what I mean. Immediately she starts mumbling stories about shopping trips and reasons how she ended up on my front stoop. Her last words, "....so can I crash here for a couple of weeks?"

pause

The words that escaped my mouth were an automatic sensory response and as soon as they left my lips I wanted them back, "Of couse, Suzie."

I asked how she got to my house from the airport, and she fumbled over some words that sounded like this, "I came to see my friend Tanya and we stopped the gas station, the one that is like the SuperAmerica back home, and Tanya had some things to do."

We went to the basement where my cousin Eric was. We all sat and talked for awhile, but Suzie could barely keep her head up. She popped up suddenly mid-conversation, ran over to where the stairs start, and knocked on the wall thinking it's the entrance to the bathroom. We all automatically started laughing (because it was funny lol), but then Suzie slumped to the floor. Her was hair covering her face, and the muscles in her arms and hands were cramped up making her limbs look deformed and her skin tone was turning blue.

I ran upstairs to find a phone, borderline panic. Should I call her mom or 911???

When I circled back through the kitchen in pursuit, Suzie had made it upstairs and was drinking water from the spout of the kitchen sink. Interrupting the person who was brushing his teeth. I stand there looking from her to him and back. He has a mouthful of foaming toothe paste, toothe brush in hand. Her head is buried in the sink. All I see is her hair.

Writer's blocK

1. Too much to write.

2. Too little to write.

3. Computer's too moody to remain functional.

4. Not sure if I want my readers to know my thoughts anymore.

THE END

WallowWorld

"You could snap out of it, but you just dont want to. Sometimes you gotta wallow." ~my baby sister

This proves to me that some people really do enjoy the pains of life.

Or maybe it's a form of grief--wallowing.

I'm personally not a fan of WallowWorld. It's like slow motion to me. Like in those dreams where I want to run as fast as I can...but my legs and arms are like lead and my running turns out to be that scene in a movie where the frames are slowed down to increase the intensity.

Great on-screen. Real sucky in real life.

circles in the sand

the topic of mystery came up again. i often talk about this with my guuurls...how important mystery is in a prospective relationship. don't give too much too soon. as a matter of fact, as a shield, a lady should probably never get to a point of comfort before there's a mutual agreement to never leave each other. that looks funny when i type it...like everybody has to believe in marriage. but in general girls want to give so much and so fast, and we are so quick to assume that it's all being reciprocated or will last forever. *sigh*

anyways....back to me. hahaha

i've been wondering. how does one keep a healthy mystery in a marriage? is that even a viable concept to fathom? i mean, marriage is an entirely different ballgame. when once there existed balls and hoops and wood[en floors] (use your imagination)...i mean there're still all those things, but all of a sudden the hoop's on the ceiling dealing with her crazy emotions and the woo[den floors] and balls are playing video games. hehehe.

seriously though.... i realize that each relationship is unique in its own rite, but after you take 100% of the mystery out (now that he knows that i really do boo-boo, that i sometimes like to take a break from shaving my legs for a couple weeks, and that i can't just disappear once a month for 5-7 days) what's the next level of making the relationship exciting for a man? The thing that will keep him coming back for more and more and more? of course aside from sheer love.

men typically want something more tangible--but elusive at the same time.

hmmm....the wheels are turning, my friend. the wheels are a-turnin.

say my name, say my name...

I'm still getting used to hearing my name called in airports and other common places. Going from a 10-letter last name to the most common name in America. Takes a little getting used to.

I was checking into my hotel over the weekend, and the lady at the front desk says, "Looks like we have two rooms for you tonight." Instinctively, I look around to make sure I was still the only person standing there. So far that evening I had 2 legs of a very long flight and a rookie cab driver (2nd night on the job. Took us an hour for what should've been a 15-minute drive.) At one o'clock in the morning, my sleepiness is becoming apparent.

"Just me. Just one room," was all I could muster.

"Oh! Looks like we have TWO Mandy's staying with us tonight with the same exact name!!!" She was so excited, and I wish I could've shared it with her.

Truth is...I love the perks of a short last name: filling out paper work, pronunciation, never have to spell it out for folks, the anonymity--I'm literally one in a million. And I am quite honored that my husband has offered his last name.

But I kind of miss the oohs and aahs over my old last name. "Wow what kind of name is THAT??"

Upon some deliberation, I think I'd like to legally change my first name now too...to spice things up a bit. I have an idea of what it might be, but I'm also taking submissions. :)

GO!

kid cudi's day n nite video

Yayy!!!

Toofesis

I'm doing video research on a project at work today, where I'm trying to find as many episodes of Starting Over as possible. While watching them, I came across a dream analyst working with the women and their dreams. All of a sudden the scene moves to the dream worker and a bunch of women around a campfire. He asks, "How many of you have had dreams about your teeth falling out?" Sitting at my office chair with my big huge headphones on, indulged in the program, I raise my hand.

See I have this same type of dream about once a year, maybe less, but it's a very distinct dream with intense emotions. In it my teeth are crumbling and falling out into my hands, usually one at a time and starting from the back of my mouth.

I did a little research but find that online gives a LOT variations on the interpretation of this type 0f dream, so I was amazed to hear the man speak so bluntly about it on Starting Over. He said that teeth falling out is a dream of insecurity.

Hmmm...interesting. I'll have to keep that in mind for the next time I have that dream. Try to figure out what I might be insecure about!

Just when I think things couldn't get ANy worse...you TOTALLY redeem yourself!

So funny how life works!!

See...I haven't cooked in ages. I mean, really cooked. Of course we eat every day, but more often than not it's a result of a fast fix. Last night I decided to semi-cook, and made chicken fettucini alfredo with peas and garlic bread. It was pretty tasty! Then this morning I came across a link for soup recipes, and I've been wanting to learn to make my own soup for months. THEN a coworker walks into the room on a mission to destroy the hardcover book in his hands by replacing the actual pages with blank sheets of paper (for some pitch idea).

"What was the name of the book?" you ask.

It's called Cooking from the Hip by Cat Cora! lol Sounds mad cheesy (no pun intended), but the recipes looked phenominal. So I rescued the pages and the leaflet and created my very own FREE book!!!

This is extra-freakin great because I've been craving a new book! Now I have 244 pages of Mmm, Mmm Good. :)

Almost Time for a NEW CAR!!!

In the next 8 years, California wants to cut emissions by 30%. This means all new cars would have to average 42 miles per gallon. Since the trusty ol' Jetta only gets about 25mpg, I will

soon be saying goodbye. AND since my [dream car] Aston Martin averages 12mpg (along with the Lamborghini Marcielago @ 8mpg....sorry Tiny!!), I will DEFINITeLY be revising my car endeavors. So far my options are the Toyota Prius or the Audi A3 1.9TDIe. Sad face because they are to cars what pugs are to dogs. I want to say they're cute cuz they're small-ish, but really their smashed faces (or back ends) are a bit too.....well....smashed, for my taste. I need something more sleek. More sexy. That's the new market. Sleek, sexy, and green. Ready? ... GO!

Harder Better Faster STRONGER

I've been kind of joking about my OnDemand workouts that I've been
doing off the TV, but seriously!!! After I do a workout, I walk around
with some CRAZY sore muscles. I decided that instead of getting that
gym membership I've been talking about, I'm on the OnDemand
regime.

Next time you see me....? Harder Better Faster STRONGER!

The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

I've been working on a project and have had to ask a bunch of men what their deal breakers are when it comes to dating and relationships. The most surprising, yet most practical, deal breaker I've heard so far is "if she has a major STD, like herpes or AIDS." I actually laughed out loud. I don't know why, but I thought it was really funny. But in this world today, you can never be too careful. No!!! I forgot. .... the most surprising was the man who said that a woman with a terminal illness is a deal breaker. He ultimately changed that answer with the fear that people would think he's an @sshole. Ya think??? I've been getting such a kick out of hearing the perspective of all these guys that I was thrown for a loop when one guy asked ME. What are YOUR deal breakers?? As I've been out of the dating loop for 2-3 years now, it took me a second. Then I found myself stating MY dealbreakers, as follows:

1. A man with an unwillingness to travel.

2. A man with no ambition/drive.

3. Someone who has no desire to expand his horizons to have empathy towards other walks of life.

4. A person who is generally mean and/or rude to/towards servers, homeless people, and animals.

5. Ummmmmmmmmmmm....aaaaaand a man with smaller hands than me.

I feel like all mine were the same. Same theme. Well 1-4 at least lol.

So tell me....what are YOUR deal breakers???

Bag Lady

...you gon' hurt yo back. draggin on dem bags like that. i guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to, is, is you, is you.

~Eryka Badu, Mama's Gun, 2000

The first and only time I've lived out of my suitcase lasted about 3 months. 

The amount of stress that accompanies a situation like this is inexplicable, and only folks who've endured various forms of homelessness truly understand. 

For those of you who don't know, "couch surfing" is one form of homeless that is seemingly less severe than other types, but homeless nonetheless and prevalent among homeless teens.    

Granted, during my time of living on the edge, I still owned a house and a car half way across the country and had a lover occasionally pluggin funds into a dry account. Not having a home was a conscious decision until I got my feet on the ground. But let me tell you! Not having money to rent, not having a job to get money to rent, not knowing where you'll rest your head that night, not getting a full night's rest because you must be the last one asleep and the first one awake as the guest in someone else's studio apartment, no privacy, dirty/smoggy skin from taking the bus everywhere, eating when your host eats, always being on another person's schedule. It's what we call hard times.

Would I do it again?

Heck yes. 

As a trade off, I explored a city, met good people I never woulda met, lost about 20 lbs (ha!), became tight with Solar de Cahuenga, got out of my comfort zone, got a low-level job in the tv industry learning the ins and outs, and most importantly, minimized my lifestyle. We all need to minimize sometimes. Shed some lbs and realize all you need to hold on to. Realize life isn't always about building and building and building. Sometimes it's about deconstructing and seeing how you can handle a re-build. 

it feels so much better. so much better baby.

bag lady, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go.

no...you don't need it.

Tuesday before 28

Wake up 5 min prior to leaving for work.
Laundry strewn in the living room from night before.
Stagger out of bedroom in bra and sweats.
Glance in dining room mirror at disastrous hair.
Approach pile of clothes to pick day's wardrobe.
Drop pants for quick exchange.
Glance over at forgotten about sleeping Bill that stayed over the night before.

"OH SHHHHIIIooooot...."

Run back into bedroom with no pants on.
Confused.
Try to figure out how to get back into living room for change of clothes.
Confused.
Try to figure it out.
Is a towel enough?
2 minutes before take off.
Confused.
Run! Grab! Retreat!
Change clothes.
Kiss sleeping husband.
Find keys.
Off to work.

LA likes its People, like it likes its Bagels

Since we're on the topic of food...I will tell you the funniest thing I came across not long ago and was reminded of this morning.

So LA people are weird about food--everything should be all-natural, fat-free, sugar-free, gluten free, carb-free, and organic. I get down with that some of the time, but if you make my latte with skim milk instead of 2% or whole milk....we're gonna fight.

Anywho. When I started working at the Paramount Lot, I found out the company has two special days where they bring in breakfast and coffee for the staff: Muffin Mondays and Bagel Fridays. I've been know to eat a muffin or two lol but I've never been fond of bagels....until now. Now I faithfully eat a Noah's bagel every Friday morning with a cup of their magnificent house blend. Très magnific!

(Getting closer to the funny part.) My first day at the bagel stand, I see a woman huddled over the garbage can working frantically at something. As I get closer I can see she's ripping and tearing away at the bagel and throwing pieces into the garbage can bit by bit.

I approach asking, "Dang. Is there something wrong with today's bagels?" Typical Mandy-approach to the situation.

Startled, she looked up at me with wide, darting eyes. "No. I'm hollowing out the bagel. Less calories."

.....

Silence.

"Oh..." I begin slowly. "Why don't you just cut it in half and take half a bagel, instead of the whole thing? Or a fourth?"

She looked up at me, shrugged her shoulders, and scurried down the hall.

Back to the present. This morning. So today I was telling the guys in my office, "You know...I think I'm over the bagels. I may have eaten my last bagel. If I have one it'll only be as a last ditch effort at goodbye. And because I just like eating." Smile.

And as I left the office for the bagel stand, I sigh, "Here I go...I'm gonna have a bagel." With feigned dissatisfaction in my eyeballs, I pass a colleague.

She picks up on my vibe and yells after me, "JUST DIG OUT THE MIDDLE...LESS CALORIES!"

Popped My.....Taco?

Today is a very anticipated day for me....my FIRST TACO TRUCK experience! I don't know whether to be scared or excited. lol I'll let you know how it goes....!