Saturday, October 23, 2010

Cheese Balls and Sunshine

As a child I always knew I was an outsider, even inside my own family. There are countless stories my mother would tell me that didn't feel right but weren't exactly wrong.

I maintain an attitude that even though life isn't perfect, it could always be a lot worse. So be thankful for what you've been given. I didn't get to grow up with my biological father, but my adoptive father is the best of the best. I don't have any full-blood brothers or sisters, but my half-sisters and step-sisters and -brother are all I could ask for. My maternal grandmother passed very young, and I was never close to my maternal grandfather...but my other grandparents were always nice when I came around. At least that's what I remember.

As I've gotten older, I realize that my other grandparents weren't really that nice. That my sibling/s have often left me out when recalling their childhood stories. And that my dad gets upset when my mom helps me financially (which is hardly ever).

I'll admit I get sad for a split second when I reflect, but then I remember that auntie on my mom's that introduced me to womanhood. She helped me get birth control when I was nervous to ask my mom. She bought me my first matching set of underthings. She taught me to never let anyone see my toes without polish. My other auntie has never forgotten a birthday and gives me back in money what I have sacrificed in age. Another auntie, who always makes me feel special and missed every time I see her, is so sweet--the minute I see her if feels as though we've never been apart. My great aunt drinks coffee and eats sweets with me everytime I visit. We used to sneak to the coffeehouse to smoke cigarettes, drink our lattes, and read whatever novels we could get our hands on. My uncles are elusive, but always fun. And my mother? She really tops the cake. Teen mother who had been orphaned at the age of 14. I learned my work ethic and morals from her. We have become great friends since I've hit adulthood. Becoming a mother is the only way to completely understand motherhood. And I now appreciate her a million times over.

To this day, I often appreciate my outsider status. It's where I feel most comfortable. I think I'll stay here awhile longer, and when I emerge again I will be bright and glowing and absolutely radiant.

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